Of Rice and Zen

This week "A" reveals how his subconscious is now recruiting other parts of his body in an elaborate and coordinated attempt to ruin his life. He also gets his most disturbing stories ever out of the way, so he can be on his best behaviour from now on.

Nova is Japan's largest English conversation school is days away from declaring bankruptcy and creating the largest consumer wipeout in Japanese history. Hear one Nova insider give his inside opinion on why Nova President Sahashi Nozomu (a.k.a The Night Monkey) deserves to be wined and dined state pen shower style for the rest of his days.

No time for love Mr Monkeybridge, we got company. It's 2,000 homeless Nova teachers Nova and they want your ass on toast. A fights off a mean cold to give you details of how the world famous eikaiwa is bordering closely on a declaration of bankruptcy. Mere days away from unemployment and a trip to Guam A podcasts from the last creaky floorboards surrounded by the burning embers of the house of Nova.

Nova's president is missing. Nova are three months behind on the rent. Nova have not paid their suppliers or staff. Nova may not be able to pay you next paycheck. Truth of bollocks? Come in and find out.

A's back to tell you about living with a Japanese family, the unluckiest girl in the world, prepubescent genitals, sunburn on one eye, the soaring divorce rate, conversation free conversation schools and the Japanese difficulty with doors.

Description: Like herpes A intermittently returns when you least expect it to tell you about pink salon blowjobs, poison from China, earthquakes and nuclear waste and disabled men warming mobile phones in their wheelchairs. 'GET-O' SHITA! BYEE-BYEE!

Seoul stinks like a natto flavoured turd - FACT! This week we take a well earned break from Japan to visit Korea. Hear tell of being in slappers, near death experiences, whores, drinking till sunrise everyday, penis worms, injuries and being in the sights of a North Korean rifle.
"Mod" brings new parasites back to Japan and "A" nearly starts world war 3 in the DMZ.
And I didn't even have time to tell you about the cat we found in our Korean apartment that had been there for five days having kittens. It shit in my bed.

My stalkers are really starting to give me the farty liquid follow-throughs and I'm really not sure you guys are taking me seriously. When they find me locked in a Japanese basement with a rolled up textbook in my mouth and a haiku painted on my body reading "mine mine mine mine mine, I feast on gaijin tonight, mouthfuls of man meat" THEN you'll be sorry.

Features prepubescent genital assault, racist observations and a briefcase of fun.

This 'looking distinctly like a fortnight but actually a' week we discuss why Japanese porn is like a hamburger, my trip to Hokkaido, why I want to fellate Yongfook, travelling across Japan in search of crisps, why Cyndi Lauper wants to take over the world and hot girls who like Gundam. May contain Bobby Brown.

This week we talk about spak wookies, Japanese girls' marriage obsession, why chain schools make me imagine dogs scheduling the headbutting of people's balls into their canine filofaxes. Or fidofaxes. Haha. Ho. Shoot me.

Special anniversary episode featuring Andre the Giant! Again! it's one year to the day since A arrived in Japan and somehow he's still alive. In this special comback episode we talk about what's happened to him dumb gaijin ass since we last flapped gum. Drinking and fucking mainly. But also... PS3 buyage. Come listen to the rent-wasting buffoon's disorganised drivel :0

This 'nothing like a week' we discuss Japanese girls and the mass exodus of teachers from my English conversation school in Japan. Both are mystifying, troubling and keep me up at night.

May contain bollocks.

A weary, currently homeless DG (dumb gaijin) makes jokes in questionable taste and hopes his mum isn't listening. Hi mum. Send more Curly Wurlys please.

This week we discuss my run ins with a poisonous centipede in my soon-to-be-ex apartment and hundreds of Yakuza members parading through the streets of Kyoto. If you want to stay alive for the duration of your DG experience, 9 out of 10 scientists recommend you listen to this. The other one misheard the question 'what's the best way to stay alive in Japan?' and thought he was being asked, 'what's the best way to slay your wife in Japan?' He recommended sending her to my apartment block in Misasagi.

This almost-week I don't mean to sound dramatic, but we discuss my imminent demise at the hands of mukade! The most evil fanged needlessly aggressive semi-legendary demon bug known to man. A listener email has forever ruined my chances of getting any sleep, by telling me all about why these beasts live in my apartment and want to eat me from the arse up.

Cheers guys.

This is the best value slice of potential entertainment you will ever give half of your attention to. This un-week we discuss what happens when two geisha schools go to war, when bugs take over your apartment and why summer in Kyoto is like explosive diarrhoea.

This seminal podcast STILL features all your favourite sections such as 'What's that in my bum Sebastian?' and also includes the line "I don't care if you do have a tazer young man, you'll get the pocket money your father and I agreed upon."

Snoogins.

Rumours of my death have been greatly understated, slightly exaggerated and passed on far too slowly. This week we apologise for the fact it's been 5 weeks since my last podcast, then we talk about Japan, my hair, food, chain schools and scary vacant children who are dead inside and want to tear my heart out with their freakish undersized claw-like mitts.

This un-week we interview God and find out about Japanese food. If you are subscribed to my podcast through podomatic please add the following feed to your aggregator:

http://feeds.feedburner.com/of-rice-and-zen

This podomatic one has limited bandwidth allowance. And lurgy.

This 'week' I find a new apartment. Of DOOM. Heard by upwards of dozens of people worldwide, this episode of the most weekly thing since President Bush's library visits contains information on my hair 'vs' my chain school, fang-ed, foot-long centipedes, punchy monkeys, earthquakes, Hayao Miyazaki, print club, Ace Cafe and as always there is a cracking tune recording recorded by yours truly.

This un-week we discuss good kids sucking monkeys king dongs, (not) finding an apartment in Japan, (not) dating Japanese girls, (not) Valentine's day, (not) remembering the days of the week in Japanese, (not) clashing with the Japanese chain school staff, my hair this week, the 'gaijin proximity alert', horny gaijin and as always there is more music by yours truly.

Enjoy - responsibility.

This 'week' I discuss all sorts of things about Japan you can't afford to live without knowing. Features the legendary 'truth or bollox' and more music by yours truly. Snootch to the bootch.

This 'week' I discuss toilets and how to avoid dying on them, hand teleportation devices, working at a chain school and what to do on your days off. I tried to stay sober this time but it seems that didn't help with the windypops.

This 'week' we discuss your training and your first three days at work. The show is short to reflect how little time you will have outside of work. It includes references to the world famous Cock-Film Game and name-checks podcasting legends such as Terrance Young of the Kobe Beef show and Yongfook of Yongfook.com for some added nerd-chic.